Thankful.

As my (2 or 3) faithful readers know, I've been dealing with this migraine business for almost 10 years now.  It's been a struggle.  I've had days when I couldn't get out of bed because of pain and days when I didn't want to get out of bed because of depression.  I've had to miss countless social functions and completely change my life to accommodate this unwelcome guest.

After years of praying for the struggle to end, I've finally come to a place where I can not only accept the suffering but even be thankful for it.  It sounds twisted, I know.  But God has steadily been revealing to me that I am the person I am because of what I've been through and am still going through.  He could have taken this pain away at any moment, so there has to be a good reason that he hasn't.  In some strange way that I may never understand, I can be more useful for him in my pain than I could be as a healthy person.  That's still hard for me to accept sometimes, but I believe so fully that God is truly good and has my best interests at heart that I can trust him completely.

C. S. Lewis once said, "Hardship often prepares an ordinary person for an extraordinary destiny."  I believe that wholeheartedly.  Think about all the people in the Bible who God used in big ways.  None of them were without suffering.  Esther was forced into a marriage.  Moses was taken from his mother as a baby.  David was chased by Saul.  The Lord uses hardship and suffering to mold us into the people he wants us to be. 

I'm not at all the person I was ten years ago and even five years ago.  Back then I had it all together.  I was in control.  I knew where I was going in life, and I knew how to get there.  Boy, was I disillusioned.  Today I know that the only good things in my life are from God, and I have relinquished control of even the little things.  My faith in him has grown exponentially.  He's humbled me in ways that only suffering can do.  He's taught me to lean on other people and allow them to help carry my burdens.  He's shown me what's important in life.  And if changing me is the only reason for this ordeal, it's enough.

I still pray for healing, and I still get discouraged and frustrated on occasion, but I know that my Heavenly Father holds me in his hands, and I know that he wouldn't let me suffer for nothing.  He's preparing me for something great, and one day all this will be worth the struggle.