This tutoring thing.

So this tutoring thing... The first day was fantastic! I helped a kid (or almost grown-up. He may not appreciate me calling him a kid.). I had a good time. I felt useful. Ever since then I've gone and sat in either the computer lab or library and done homework. Not because I'm a slacker or have more important things to do than help teenagers with homework. Just because the tutoring program is dumb.

I almost got to do something this week. Well, I almost thought I was going to get to do something. I walked into the library and two senior guys were sitting at a table with what resembled the components of a research paper spread out in front of them. I asked what they were doing and told them I'm pretty good at research papers. They asked me to sit next to them, giving me the impression that they wanted help. Or at least that they were working on their papers and may need help at some point. Boy, was I fooled. The kids sat there for an hour and talked about everything under the sun except their research papers. I read. Or I kind of read. I was more interested in their conversations than The Grapes of Wrath. First I was appalled that these kids were hanging out after school for two hours just talking and the teacher in the room didn't care that they weren't accomplishing anything. Then I was appalled at the things they were talking about. I think I might have learned a new curse word or two. I could overlook those things if I tried really hard. I was getting homework accomplished and their conversation was helping the time pass for me. But then...

The librarian, not the teacher in charge, walked over and asked the guys how their papers were coming and looked at their work. One guy asked her for help. She helped him spread out all his stuff and then proceeded to write his thesis statement for him. Seriously? She thought about what she was writing for a long time, got stuck, went and asked the English teacher (the one who was supposed to be in charge) for help, came back, worked on it some more, and then showed it to the guy and said, "Here's what we came up with. What do you think?" Seriously? Meanwhile, the student continued talking with his friend about the last good fight he was in. They're getting federal grants for this tutoring program, by the way. I'm glad they're teaching the kids.

Oh, and as I left she was beginning to write his paper outline for him as well. And this is the institution we call the American school system.

Roommate update.

A couple of weeks ago I felt I was at the end of my rope as far as roommates go. I had gone through all the options I could think of and talked to everybody I could think to talk to. And I had zero luck.

As of today I have not one, but three potential roommates. Out of nowhere. They've all sort of fallen into my lap as you might say. It's funny how the Lord gives you what you ask for.

Being positive.

This week has been one of setbacks and disappointments. It's only Tuesday and I'm feeling this way, if that gives you any indication of my state of mind. It's been busy and the weather has been gloomy--both of which are bad for me on multiple levels.

I keep trying to focus on the good things, but that's hard to do with an elephant sitting on my head. So I'm going to make a list. I'm going to prove to myself and whoever may be reading this that life isn't all that bad.

1. I got new sunglasses that don't hurt my head if worn in moderation. And they're pretty cute, too.
2. My car is clean. If you've seen my car any time within the past, oh, six months, you'll know this is a huge accomplishment.
3. I made a 100 on my Advanced Comp test today. I've been lost in this class from Day One.
4. I have an idea for my next big project. And I'm putting to use a $3 book I got on clearance at Books-A-Million to do the project.
5. I finally folded 3 loads of laundry I did over a week ago. (Getting them upstairs and into my dresser may take another week.)
6. I'm eating again. Which is nice. I missed food.
7. My power cord for my computer is officially on the way. It's been going in and out on me for a week now.
8. I get to see my brothers sing and dance next weekend.
9. Spring Break is getting nearer every day.
10. My mom is Parent of the Year. I always knew I had a cool mom.

Phew... That was hard work. But I do have things to be thankful for and things to look forward to. Life with migraines gets tough sometimes, but it's still life. And it's my life. It's the only one I've got. I can't wish every day away or sit around waiting for a better phase of life to come. I'm never going to understand the way my Father works, but I do know he has taught me a million things through this already. Maybe that will be another pick-me-up list for another dreary day.

I forget.

I'm getting better. I forget that a lot. I focus so much on what I can't do that I forget what I can do. And I can do a million times more than I could just a few months ago. I spent Friday night and Saturday morning running around with one shoe on in search of toothpicks and nail clippers, shuffling my buns around a circle of chairs evading being squished, building a tower out of newspapers, jumping rope, searching for a traffic cone blindfolded, and all the other things an overnight stay with thirty girls entails. There were narcotics involved, but I would have had to go to bed even thinking about doing those things a few months ago.

I forget to be thankful for small improvements. When I start getting better, I want to be as healthy as I was before. After Friday night and Saturday (which was WAY more than I've done in well over a year), I was upset that I had to back out on hanging out with friends Saturday night. Which is silly. I'm getting better. I just have to keep taking care of myself. And maybe next time I'll be able to do a little bit more. And maybe one day this won't be controlling my life anymore.

Hope.

Hope is the thing with feathers
That perches in the soul,
And sings the tune--without the words,
And never stops at all,

And sweetest in the gale is heard;
And sore must be the storm
That could abash the little bird
That kept so many warm.

I've heard it in the chillest land,
And on the strangest sea;
Yet, never, in extremity,
It asked a crumb of me.

--Emily Dickinson

Productivity is good for the soul.

Let me let you in on this fantastically productive day I had today. I wrote a paper on Walt Whitman's "Crossing Brooklyn Ferry" and Hart Crane's "To Brooklyn Bridge," followed by an equally exciting paper on the Expectancy Violations Theory. Shaved my legs. That was a big deal. It had been a while. I summarized A Single Shard by Linda Sue Park. It's a middle school book. I made three rubrics for a unit plan I wrote on the book. Went to class and learned about Tennessee Williams and meaningful learning. I then wrote another paper on my philosophy of education. Ordered a new power cord for my laptop. Mine died. I wrote a proposal for a presentation. Then I printed everything I had written. It was beautiful.

With all the writing practice I've had over the past few days, I think I might have a chance at the pros.

The great roommate search.

So the time has come to find a new roommate. This sounds like a simple task--who wouldn't want to live with me, right--but it's turned out to be a little more strenuous than anticipated. Let me give you a quick recap of how the search has gone so far.

There's my current roommate. She's moving to Jackson for her last year of school. There's Klancey. She was going to stay here for grad school and live with me. As of about a week ago I found out she's going elsewhere for grad school. I have to sign my lease in March; hence the frantic search.

Everyone my age is graduating, because that's what seniors do, I guess. So I decided to ask some of my freshman friends. First there was Faith. Faith also has migraines, so she understands a lot of what I'm going through. I thought it would be a pretty good match. However, because she has migraines, she gets help from Student Services on campus and gets to live in a nice dorm, which is where she'll be next year. So I asked Megan. Because it's February and everybody signs leases in March, Megan already has a place to live. Then I remembered my friend Lacy, who will also be a fifth year senior. She already has a roommate for next year. Next was Jessica. It seemed hopeful. She talked to her mom about it, was going to stop by and look at the place, but then came the deal-breaker. I'm allergic to cats. Jessica has a cat--a sick cat to whom she is devotedly attached. There was no compromise. Which brings me to where I am now. Monica. Monica graduated from here last year, but she's trying to get into vet school and is thinking about coming back and taking some classes. She's supposed to let me know something this week. I'm praying.

If the Lord has taught me one thing through all this migraine madness the past year and a half, it's that things always work out--just not always on my terms or on my time.

And if Monica's plans lead her elsewhere, let me know if you know somebody who will be at State in the fall and needs a roommate. I appreciate your prayers too.

I hate doctors.

I have a problem with doctors. It's like a phobia. Except it's completely legitimate. I don't know what it is about me, but doctors never believe I'm sick. I'm stuck in bed for an entire summer and the doctor says I have poor coping skills. I have headaches so bad I forget what it feels like not to be in pain and the doctor says I'm lying. That is all in the past, so I'm trying not to be bitter about it. I was mostly over it. Was. Until today.

I've had the world's worst cold the past few days. I was going to be tough and just pretend like I'm not really sick, because that's what I do. But after I couldn't sleep for coughing and my head felt like it was going to explode every time I moved and I hadn't eaten for two days, I decided I should give in and go to the doctor. I still had this doctorophobia, but after multiple people assured me I really should go to the doctor, I felt sure (kind of) that it would go okay. Right...

Doctor: Do you have the flu?
Me: No. I don't think so.
Doctor: Well, if you don't have it, you're going to get it from coming here. This is a bad place to come during flu season.
Me:
Doctor: Let me look in your throat.
Me: AAAH
Doctor: Let's try again.
Me: AAAH
Doctor: I can't see in there.
Me: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH [idiot.]
Doctor: You just have a sinus infection. Medicine won't help. You'll just be sick for a week.
Me:
Doctor: Do you still want the medicine?
Me: Yes. [That's why I came here, isn't it?]
Doctor: Are you allergic to anything?
Me: Yes. [and I give him the list.]
Doctor: Those aren't allergies. Those are side effects. Anybody can get those. You die from allergies.
Me:
Doctor: Come back if you get the flu.
Me:

I hate doctors.

I'm too young for this.

College is supposed to mean late nights and lots of energy, but for some reason my body thinks I'm eighty. Maybe it's the meds.

New life endeavor.

I received two compliments today:
1. I'm encouraging.
2. I'm well-spoken and have a good voice.
This could only mean one thing: I should ditch teaching to start a career in motivational speaking.

On a more serious note (This is for you, Mom), today was the first day I've had to take pain medicine in over two weeks. I'd say that's an improvement worth celebrating.

The start of something great.

I have to tutor at the high school for one of my classes this semester. I started yesterday. I wasn't sure if I would like it. Teenagers and migraines don't always mix well. I think it's the beginning of something fantastic though.

Yesterday I walked in not knowing what to do. I ended up walking into the algebra classroom. The teacher asked the students if anybody needed help, and one guy sitting in the middle of the room raised his hand. We'll call him Andy.

Andy and I worked through some equations together. He was solving the equations faster than I was! He'd had a quiz on the material in class that day and failed it though. I asked him what was up, and he said he just freezes up on the tests. He said he gets it. He takes notes. He even told me that the teacher told him once when he asked if she could slow down that when he gets a degree he can teach the class how he wants. Ouch.

I asked Andy (who is in tenth grade) what he wants to do after high school. He said he wants to be a lawyer. That's a pretty big dream, if you ask me. Especially for a kid who's spending time in after school tutoring. I wonder if Andy's algebra teacher knows he wants to be a lawyer. I wonder if Andy's teacher knows he's a whiz at solving equations. I wonder if Andy's teacher knows he cares enough to show me his quiz he failed and ask me to help him work through it with him.

I almost cried while I was talking to Andy. Just because I could see how smart he is and how much he cares. I wanted to go show his teacher all the problems he had just worked and say, "Look! He can do it! He's a smart kid!"

But I can't do that. I can only hope that when I'm a teacher, I take the time to actually get to know my students and to encourage them. I hope that I remember Andy's test anxiety and big dreams. Thanks, Andy.

What the HAIR are you doing here?!

Things I have learned from Koreans:

• Americans are fat.
• China is dirty.
• Japan is mean.
• The reason I don't have a boyfriend is that I look like I have one.
• Looking like I have a boyfriend really just means I'm cute.
• It's all about money.
• R's and L's are interchangeable (e.g. Hey! What the hair are you doing here?)

Oh, I love Koreans.