Yeast.

I went to the chiropractor Friday.  It definitely made my top ten list of strange life experiences.  First, the chiropractor talked to me for a while, asking questions about my medical history, diet, etc.  That was the only "normal" part of the visit.  I lay down on the table, and she asked me to hold my leg out to the side.  She pushed on it and asked me to resist her.  She did this on all my limbs--legs, arms, elbows, hands.  In some places I couldn't resist her.  So she'd poke around on my leg or back and then try again.  I don't know what magic she did, but after all that poking I could resist her no problem.  Then she started back with the places where I could resist her.  She asked me to put my fingers in a certain place on my body--collarbone, bottom of my ribcage, top of my head.  With my fingers in one of those certain places, I couldn't resist her when she pushed on my leg anymore.  So she'd poke around and try again, and I was strong again of course.

Near the end of the appointment, the doctor/magician decided to test me for candida, which is an overgrowth of yeast in the body.  I'm thinking blood test, maybe even a urine sample.  No, that's for mortal doctors.  Dr. G said, "If the body needs something, when we put it on your stomach, it will make itself stronger."  I'm thinking, there's no way!  She asked me to stand and hold out my right arm.  She pushed on it like she did all those times before and could move it a pretty good bit.  Then she handed me a vial and told me to hold it next to my stomach.  I don't know what kind of voodoo was in that vial, but when she pressed on my arm while I was holding the vial, she couldn't move it.  If I hadn't felt it myself, I'd tell you it was all nonsense, but she was pushing harder than before, and it was no problem to resist her.  I looked around the room for incense or voodoo dolls.  If there were any, they hid them well.

Since Dr. G couldn't move my arm when I held that little vial next to my stomach, she diagnosed me with candida.  I'm on this crazy diet now.  No fruit, no cheese, no milk, no soda, no peanuts, no bread, no mushrooms, no potatoes, no corn, no white rice, no pasta, no sugar, no honey, no corn syrup, no ketchup, no mayonnaise, no barbecue sauce, no breaded meat.  Basically I can eat meat, brown rice, nuts (minus peanuts and pistachios), and green beans.  I also have to take 6 probiotic pills a day and 3000 mg of garlic pills.

I can hardly eat anything for two weeks, but it gets better.  Because my body has had so much yeast for so long, when it starts dying it makes me sick.  I feel so nauseous I might pass out, I'm itchy, and I crave sugar like a crackhead without her crack.

It's going to be a fun week.

If you're intrigued, here's a site that's entirely devoted to candida.  Real doctors know about it, too, it seems.

http://www.thecandidadiet.com/