I forgot I had a blog.

I go in for surgery Monday morning.  I'm very excited and also very nervous.  I guess you call that feeling anxious...  They're going to be putting all sorts of wires under my skin like a cyborg, which is kind of gross.  I could probably get a job in a Star Trek movie if--scratch that--when they come out with another one.

The scariest thing and also the most exciting thing about having surgery is the idea that I'll get to have a life again.  I don't remember how to live without having to be ultra careful all the time.  I was in high school the last time I didn't have to worry about whether something would trigger a migraine.  It will be an adventure, for sure.

Small things.

Life is hard with a constant migraine.  I've hit lots of dead ends lately, and it's more than a little frustrating.  But I'm learning to celebrate the small things.

Tiny wins are still wins.  Here are a few I've had the past week:

• getting to have lunch with my dear friend Michele
• having a long talk with my sweet brother Mason
• singing songs of love to my Savior
• safely driving all the way to Memphis
• being ultra productive the day before I go back to school

Each moment I'm alive is a reason to celebrate.  Thank you, Lord, for humbling me and helping me appreciate the small things.

School.

Teaching is actually going really well.  None of my scary dreams about school have come true.  That doesn't mean I'm still not having them though.  I'm just a natural worrier, I guess, and I feel totally incompetent as a teacher.  Other people seem to think I'm pretty good at it.  My assistant principal thought I'd been teaching for years, and my head principal volunteered me to be observed by an education student from Ole Miss.  I think they just happen to walk in my room at the right moments.  They only see the good things.  They don't walk in when I'm trying to give directions and have to say it three times before it makes sense or when 15 out of my 28 students are running around the room and yelling at each other.  Not that that's a bad thing.  I'd much rather them think I'm good at what I do.  I just think they have a heightened opinion.  I know I'm not as good as they think.  But that's okay.  I'm steadily getting better, and I'm enjoying (almost) every moment of it.

Thank God I'm not an architect.

Busy.

Life as a grown-up is even busier than life as a college kid.  I leave for work every morning at 6 and don't get home until 5:30.  Working such long hours is exhausting in itself, not even counting the migraines.  Unfortunately I've had to take pain medicine like it's candy in order to keep up with all my work and all my ninth-graders.  I'm a little concerned that I'm going to end up with a rebound headache and have to be hospitalized again.  When you take medicine for migraines often (even Advil) over a long period of time, the brain sort of rewires itself and doesn't respond to any medication at all.  Then the only way to get out of rebound is to take lots of really strong pain medicine (like morphine) to "break" the headache or find a preventative that works.  Finding a preventative that works is a lot harder while on rebound, though, because the headache isn't very responsive to medication.  In other words, the elves learn your tricks and come up with new plans to do what they want to do.  They're clever little guys.  Then the only way you can get them back to normal is to knock 'em out real good.

Dreams.

Nearly every night for the past few weeks I've had dreams about the first day of school--all of them bad.  Either my students refuse to listen to me or they put a substitute in my room because they don't think I'm a real teacher or I forget to go over classroom procedures or any given combination of the three.  I really hope these dreams aren't prophetic.

Options.

I've been playing phone tag with the doctor.  He's ultra dedicated and likes to make phone calls after 9 P.M.  In case you don't know, I don't answer my phone after 9 P.M; that's bedtime.  So I haven't started any new medication yet.  I'm still just on all the stuff I was taking before I went to the new doctor.  However, Mom sent me a link to a news video about neurostimulators made specifically for headaches.  In the past they sort of Macgyvered stimulators made for the back to work for headaches, but now there's one actually made for the head.  It's sort of a big deal.  I considered the retrofitted one some, but then it never happened.  Now that this has been developed I have a-whole-nother set of options to consider.  I haven't done much research, but it's a new procedure and the doctor doing all the research is in Dallas.  That means I can't even pursue it until next summer, but it's definitely something to be thinking about.

Here's the link if you're interested: ttp://video.foxnews.com/v/1081807854001/new-technology-treats-migraine-headaches

Update--finally.

The last time I blogged I promised an update on my upcoming doctor visit.  I do realize it's been quite a while since then.  The problem is the new medicine the doctor prescribed for me makes me super sleepy, so I've been using all my free time to sleep rather than blog.  I talked to the doctor about it a couple of weeks ago, and he said if things didn't get better soon, I'd just have to try something else.  Unfortunately things haven't gotten better.  I actually stopped taking the medicine yesterday because I've been too sleepy to function and have way too much to do to sleep all day.  The clinic has a really neat e-mail sort of thing, and I sent the doctor a message yesterday, so hopefully he'll get back with me tomorrow about trying something new. 

I really like the doctor, though.  He sat and talked with me for an entire hour during my appointment.  He didn't write me off when I  handed him my list of the 40 medications I've tried, and he was able to think of a handful more that I can try.  So all in all it was a good experience, and I really hope he's able to think of something that will help.  Thanks to all of you who have asked how it went.  It means a lot.